When you’re a performer, people call you everyday — or nearly everyday – with requests to come to their party to lend a few yucks in return for pay. This is why you’re in business. But HEY, don’t jump at the first words promising money for your talent.

Hell no. What you do is wait for them to talk. Usually it doesn’t take long for them to tell you what they need. They will just come out and say “I need a guy to do (such n’ such).

You say: “I’m that guy! –”

“Good! How much do you charge?”

Hold on. Don’t quote prices until you know a few things.

1. Where are they located?
2. How long do they want you?
3. Do they really understand what you do?
4. And what the hell’s their budget?

Where are they located?

You can’t quote a price if you haven’t figured in gas mileage. And you SHOULDN’T quote a price with gas mileage if they know it takes twenty minutes to get their place.

Gas mileage should figure in the price when you know you’re going to be stuck in traffic for 90 minutes to 3 hours even though MAP-QUEST insists it only takes 28 minutes. Gas mileage should also figure in the price if your trip actually DOES take 90 minutes to 3 hours.

How long do they want you?

Some people will call you and expect you to come to their house for 1 hour. If your talent only takes an hour, then you plan accordingly. But if you’re a caricaturist, a face painter, a palm reader (something that benefits you to stay at a party longer than an hour) then you pass on those 1 hour gigs.

When you do caricatures, people think it comes floating out of your ass like a fart. They like what you do but when they have to pay for it, they will insult your intelligence by telling you how fast you should be – because – after all — isn’t it a gift from GOD? (So 40 people in one hour, Jocko!) — 18 people on one piece of paper (in their minds) takes 1 minute to draw. (Yeah, they’re that stupid.)

So remember to add the term “2 HOUR MINIMUM”. That way, especially if times are slow, you’re guaranteed something more than a two figure payment.

Do they really understand what you do?

This is especially for those who have agents. Unless you’re run of the mill — like a caricaturist who works at Disneyland — you’re in danger of being misunderstood or running into trouble if the picture the client has seen on a website is different from the art coming from your pen.

Make sure you let the client know how you’re different (if you are) and what it is you do that makes people call you back.

The head of RHYTHM ENTERTAINMENT in FULLERTON once wanted to hire me at a wage you’d hire a paperboy. I had to remind him I had been drawing for a long time and that I was different.

“All caricaturists are a dime a dozen” he said to me.

“So are agents,” I said to him and said if he really was serious about making money, these were the points on why I was different and how I could get him overtime. And I showed him. — The asshole didn’t learn anything but it wasn’t my fault. — His people still tried to book me for one hour gigs.

Despite those kinds of clowns, you gotta sell yourself. A lesson most performers don’t know, care to know, or want to do.

But if you want to avoid problems with potential scrutinizing morons, tell them how many drawings you can do in one hour; that the number is based on if you draw them assembly-line style and if whether or not you converse (you gotta converse!); and that special requests (like being drawn in certain cars or on a Harley) take time; and that if you have a drunk relative who wants to be drawn with everybody, that takes extra time too. You gotta be that specific – at the risk of sounding anal! But in the end, nobody can accuse you of misrepresentation.

And what the hell’s their budget?

You will get people who really don’t know what to pay you. They think this profession is a hobby and that you fix toilets in the daytime. Others don’t care what you charge. ( A possible CHA-CHING moment) but then those same kinds of people think whatever you charge, it’s too much and they’ll want to barter you down.

It’s not a bad thing to ask what their budget is. — If you quote a price and then they hem and haw and “hmmmm, let me ask someone who has the money and my balls in their bony death grip”, then tell them that if their budget is small, you will work with them. That way they’ll like you because you didn’t pressure them and they’ll come back thinking you’re doing them a huge favor. Most times, they’ll come back willing to pay your price. However, in those other moments when they wanna bargain, ask them if you can accept tips and eat more than just a stolen carrot stick and chicken wing. Make your time seem valuable and people may get the message that you’re a professional and not some hunchback lackey begging for bread at their front door .

(You shouldn’t let them play the JEAN VALJEAN bullshit game on you about eating their food anyway. But THAT’S another entry.)

So it is written! So it has been said!

GIG’ing is what i do for a living. I am a caricature artist. One of humanity’s many superfluous professions along the line of tumbleweed entrepreneuer (she exsts!) and radio talk show host.

December is a huge GIG’ing month because people throw all sorts of parties and soirees that call for people like me to entertain. I’m lumped in there with tarot card readers, psychics, magicians, balloon guys, the bouncers, clowns, and the guy they hire to play SANTA. That’s my profession. That’s my job. And December is one of the months throughout the years where I learn more about human nature and how it plays against my independent business owner experience.

If you GIG for a living, we have a lot to share. A lot to talk about. A lot to teach each other and a lot to bitch about.

This will be a blog where I say things as I see them. — YES, I will fall into the mud with the swine I complain about. But I do it so you won’t have to.

ONWARD!